Breath in and out. Breath in...and...out. Has it come down to this? Quick breathing, sleepless nights, silence and fear, thoughts circling, pressure, uncertainty....and that's all folks.
Anyone who reads this, promise me one thing. Feel no pity towards me. I really don't want it. If you want to comment, tell me how happy you are for me to accomplish my goals and survive despite anything and everything. Think of me with joy on your face and say how lucky I am.
But here's the truth. I'm freaking out over school and work. Three, possibly four jobs over the summer. Full schedule. College debt. Car gone. Relying on others as little as possible. Stress. Panic. Decisions about life. Thinking about the future. Remembering the past. Every bad memory is coming back to me. The bad from England, I can't seem to see the good. It's there. Dig for it! Remembering Wyoming. Should I be feeling the shuddering crash against the semi? Should I remember the bloody face, the stitches, the fear, being alone on I-80 with no idea, no control?
I refuse to let my memories and fear conquer me! I will bypass it all and fix all the problems with precision. I will go to Colorado despite my fear. I will sleep and not dream of people I loved and lost. I will remember that the decisions I made were correct and not doubt them. I made those decisions with full consciousness. There is no room for 'what if'.
I will not think of a boy in Scotland who made me laugh and cry all at once, who played such and important part in my life. I will not think about the blood and glass splattered on I-80 or the car that saved us all and now sits abandoned in a little tow-trucker's home in Elk Mountain. I will not think of the debt, or the worry, or the pressure. I will remember how lucky I am to be alive and finishing my education. I will remember that I know what I want and will succeed.
I am strong, smart, confident and prepared. What could go wrong?
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